10 Clear Signs of Dumper’s Regret You Can't Fake
Clear signs your ex is experiencing dumper's remorse, even if they are trying to hide it.
Confused by your ex’s erratic behavior? Anxious about never quite knowing where you stand? Or is it just morbid curiosity?
Trust me when I say you're not alone. I've had my heart pinned to a rusty anchor more times than I care to admit.
Thankfully for us, there are some things you just can’t fake, even if you try to pretend otherwise.
Forged in the fires of my romantic failures, this is my selection of signs that your ex is regretting the breakup.
Signs of Dumper’s Regret
1. They Talk About You All the Time
If your ex regrets the breakup, you’ll always end up being the topic of conversation. They'll drive their friends crazy with their ability to make everything about you.
This is the natural byproduct of a mind trying to work its way through a problem it can't see through. Which is a flowery way of saying they aren't over you yet.
This might mean:
Blaming you for everything and playing the victim.
Demeaning you and pretending they’re better off.
Forcing mutual acquaintances to “take sides”.
Creating drama where there is none.
The point is, despite the bravado or feigned indifference, it’s all just a way to avoid letting go.
2. Your Ex Initiates Contact
If you are dealing with confusing behavior, you are better off looking at how something is being said rather than what.
I know that sounds like a recipe for disaster, but consider this:
Words require no investment. You can say anything and mean something else entirely. A manipulative ex will use words to attain whatever goal they desire, but rarely will they care enough to act. Cue your stereotypical hot and cold behavior.
Actions are expensive, particularly after a breakup, where the capacity for self-sacrifice is at an all-time low.
If your ex is routinely initiating contact, even if what they say isn’t all that promising, they demonstrate that they care.
But is it a sign of regret?
If your ex says they miss you and they match these words with the willingness to act, it is a reliable sign you are dealing with a case of dumper’s regret.
3. They Hang Around
An ex who regrets the breakup will make sure they stay in the picture somehow because they know out of sight means out of mind.
Some will argue that distance will make the heart grow fonder, but ultimately reconciling will mean communicating, and you can’t do that if you disappear completely.
Knowing this, your ex will make sure there’s always a thread connecting you, reminding you that they exist. It is a thread they will leverage to keep you from moving on if they sense the distance between you grows too great.
Here’s an article I enjoyed that debates the issue of distance and its meaning after a breakup.
Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder vs. Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind
So, if your ex makes sure you know they are there, they are keeping their options open.
This doesn’t mean they’re pining for reconciliation, but it means they know that watching you move on may lead to regret.
4. They Ask For Your Advice
An ex who continues to include you in their everyday decision-making is doing two key things:
They are showing you they continue to value and respect you.
They are keeping a foot in the door (as discussed in my second point).
Remember, if you are uniquely qualified to advise on the topic at hand, then it probably isn’t a case of regret. For instance, if you are a doctor and they break the silence to ask you for a medical tip, chances are the advice itself is the only thing they’re after.
If, however, the questions they are asking could be answered without your help, it is likely they are trying to keep a foot in the door of your relationship to prevent you from closing it.
Asking for advice draws you together. It recreates that conspiratorial bond you once had, and they may have come to regret no longer having.
5. They Try and Make You Jealous
A rebound relationship serves two primary purposes for an ex who is regretting the breakup.
They get to fill the emptiness the breakup left swirling inside them.
They get to make you jealous and hopefully break you down far enough so that you reach out to them.
If their social networks are littered with excessively merry pictures of their new flirt, chances are they have something to prove.
This isn’t always about you. It can be about trying to salvage their self-esteem and center their fluctuating self-image. But whether or not this dance is for you, it is a sign that the breakup left them reeling.
6. It’s All Your Fault Or Theirs
Closure means surrendering to the present, which is something a regretful ex won’t be able to do.
They will obsess over the demise of the relationship and fixate on petty details to square their emotional circles.
For instance, they might reach out and apologize for “that one time I said X”, which likely had little or nothing to do with why the breakup occurred.
Or, they might reignite an ancient debate, although finding common ground no longer matters.
Depending on what stage of grief they are haggling with, these fixations can manifest as remorse or anger. And given the tumultuous nature of healing, sometimes both at once.
It’s quite a ride.
7. They’re in Denial
The best way to avoid remorse is to pretend a breakup hasn’t occurred at all.
A lot of mind games are driven by marketers seeking to leverage this denial by propagating myths about breakups.
The grass is a greener syndrome: A “condition” where the dumper gets cold feet and impulsively seeks romantic greener pastures. That’s right, it isn’t a real breakup, and they’ll be back. Except it is and no, they won’t. Calling it a syndrome just means placing the blame on the dumper.
If you go no contact they always come back: What if they don’t? And even if they do want to, you risk never finding out.
That looking weak will doom your chances: Pain and confusion are natural byproducts of grief. If you’re going to be judged, it is going to be on your track record as a partner during your relationship. Not because you sent them a drunken text message at 3 am begging for them to take you back.
You get the idea.
Denial is a hope-based structure we place over reality to delay tearing our comfort zone apart. If your ex seems oblivious to reality, it’s probably because it’s too painful to digest.
8. They Crave Their Old Routine
A breakup isn’t just a departure from you, their partner. It also means they’ve had their comfort zones torn up and thrown away.
Sometimes “regret” isn’t about reconciling, but is feeling lost at no longer having access to your daily routines and existential structure.
An ex who is feeling lost in this way will try to recreate the past or cling to it.
Does your ex use inside jokes?
Do they continuously bring up your history?
Do they visit old relationship landmarks?
Do they go out of their way to revisit the past?
Not all regret means they want you back. In this case, an ex who seems to be caught in a loop, like a ghost haunting an old castle, is trying to find comfort by surrounding themselves with what they recognize.
An ex who regrets a breakup and wants to reconcile will also feel lost in this way, so we can’t use this sign as a measure of romantic regret. Merely as a way of gauging their healing progress (they aren’t over it yet).
9. Their Body Language Screams Regret
If their actions are confusing you, it may be because you are detecting a discrepancy between their words and their body language (an uneasy gut feeling will alert you).
For those of you who still meet with your ex, or are planning to, use this contact to evaluate their subconscious communication. It's often a more accurate way of deciphering intention than verbal communication.
Interpreting body language warrants a far more exhaustive rundown than I can give it here, so make sure you brush up on the basics before you head out to your next face-to-face.
Your Body During a Breakup: The Science of a Broken Heart
10. They Tell You So
If we've been betrayed or hurt, it is natural to be skeptical of an ex who claims they now regret the breakup. After all, the potential for further pain, should we choose to trust them, can be too great to brush aside.
At some point, our healing and peace of mind become more important than a gamble at reconciliation.
No. We need something more. Something more reassuring than an impulsive, tear-soaked mea culpa.
This stance of distrust, which is so common at the tail-end of relationships, is an understandable way of both protecting ourselves and insisting on clarity rather than hope. But it does occasionally blind us to the obvious.
Yes, words can be faked, promises can be broken, and feelings can change (often overnight). But if your ex tells you directly that you miss you, and they pair this statement with the willingness to act, you may be onto something concrete. It might be an act of courage than a momentary lapse of judgment.
If you want to reconcile, use your ex's declaration as a springboard to begin the reconciliation process, but not as a contract. Just as a starting point.
How Long Does It Take for a Dumper to Regret the Breakup?
Days, weeks, months, and even years. There is no off switch for genuine loss.
Sometimes regret can kick in years after the fact, despite being completely content with the breakup, because we become adept at suppressing our feelings to protect ourselves from pain.
There's nothing weird or unnatural about grief lingering in our lives, nor is it a sign of weakness.
Now that I'm done pontificating, there is a barebones structure that regret and healing tend to go through. Here's my take on what you can expect a dumper to experience after a breakup.
Stages of Dumper's Remorse
Denial: A dumper's first reaction to the emergence of regret will typically be an attempt to suppress it. In this case, by avoiding examining the feeling completely.
Anger: Once the feeling becomes unavoidable anger sets in. Either at you (blame), or themselves (guilt, shame).
Initiation: Unable to contain their emotions, a dumper will usually attempt to reach out directly or indirectly at around this point.
Presence: Your ex, spurred by regret, will make sure you know they exist and attempt to re-enter your life. This is partly to pave the way for reconciliation, and partly to prevent you from moving on (if you haven't already).
Bargaining: Once contact has been established, the shuffling for validation and clarity begins. If your ex is notoriously fearful of confrontation, this may lead to the emergence of mind games and reconciliation stratagems (e.g no contact).
Not all exes play mind games, and not all cases of regret flow in this order, but you can expect a number of these signs to emerge. For instance, a dumper might follow up the (4) Presence stage with a direct offer to talk about the relationship rather than dance around the issue with a mind game. Both are attempts at bargaining.
At the end of the day, this is based on personal experiences which are both limited and prone to bias. You know your ex far better than I ever will.
Further Reading: Some Dumper's Regret Stories
Due to my opinion's limited scope, tapping into other peoples' experiences with dumper's regret is going to come in handy.
Here's a collection of first-person experiences, from a dumper's point of view, on how they realized they came to regret their ex only after the breakup.
Give it a read, it's pretty insightful!