Why Your Ex Boyfriend Is Mad Even Though He Dumped You
Everything you need to know about dealing with an inexplicably mad ex-boyfriend.
Did you get dumped by your now ex-boyfriend? Is he mad for absolutely no reason? Is the irony of the situation driving you up the wall?
Here's the thing, there are always reasons. They might be deceptive, defensive, or flat-out stupid ones. But there are reasons.
Exes typically communicate on an emotional wavelength that makes spaghetti out of logic, but this irrational anger is pretty common in certain personality archetypes.
And here's why...
7 Common Reasons Your Ex Is Mad
I'll get into more detail regarding the reasons for your ex's anger further on in the article, but for those of you who are just looking for some food for thought, here are seven common reasons your ex-boyfriend is being irrational.
He expected you to beg: Particularly manipulative partners will use a breakup (or the threat of one) as a way to enforce compliance. Was he expecting you to beg? Have you fought tooth and nail to salvage the relationship in the past?
He's trying to bring you down: If the breakup has caused his self-worth to waver, he might be trying to bring you down with him to make himself feel better.
He wants to keep his options open: He might not want to reconcile, but he doesn't want to see you move on either. Anger and resentment can prevent healing on all sides and keep you hooked on a loop from hell.
He wants to avoid reflecting on his mistakes: If he is blaming you for everything it may be his way to avoid looking at himself in the mirror.
The grass wasn't greener: His grandiose plans without you didn't pan out the way he wanted and now it's all your fault (yes, that's sarcasm dripping off the last bit).
He can't get over something you did: No mind games this time. Perhaps he feels betrayed and is having trouble moving on. But you wouldn't be asking yourself why he's mad if this is the case, you'd likely already know.
He's putting on a show for his friends or new partner: Sometimes the anger has nothing to do with you at all, and his fury is just a show to convince his peers he's over it. Sadly for him, it conveys the exact opposite.
Feelings Don't Die With the Relationship
Anger is an intense emotion. It burns with the kind of intensity we reserve for things we deeply care about. This is the bottom line about an ex who appears angry. The truth is that their anger is a security blanket for their pain.
It's no surprise then that a study conducted on U.S college students found that two-thirds report on-off relationships with their ex.
Relationships come and go, but our feelings and the romanticization of our partners remain.
You might recognize the relationship as having been unhealthy, but that doesn't necessarily mean letting go is easy.
If your ex-boyfriend feels like they have no other outlet for their pain, anger might appear like the only actionable way to keep you in their life.
To a regretful ex, the bad press will always be better than no press.
5 Questions to Help You Understand Why Your Ex is Angry
Anger is a strong emotion. Check! So far so good. But knowing this isn't much help when it comes to resolving the issue.
As a way to clarify his intent, I've put together five questions I hope will separate genuine remorse from ego-driven mind games.
1. Is your ex's anger generalized?
Generalized anger indicates emotional upheaval. If his emotions as a whole are unpredictable, it is a reflection of internal turmoil. In other words, he is having trouble moving on.
2. Does he cool off after contact?
If his mood cools off once contact is established, it's a telling sign his frustration lies in his inability to get what he used to from you. Typically, this means emotional validation.
It's also a sign his anger is a cry for attention, like a child who suddenly stops banging their head on the floor once they get their favorite toy back.
3. Is his anger impulsive?
Impulsive anger is a sign of hurt. And as discussed previously, this implies caring deeply. Impulsive anger also shows that he is unable to control the strength of his feelings.
No matter what he says, remember that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference! If he was done with you, he would be.
4. Is his anger silent?
Yes, the opposite of love is indifference, and your ex might weaponize silence to try and emulate the feeling of indifference to bring you down.
If you haven't already heard of breakup stratagems like the "30-day no contact rule", make sure you do some research on how these mind games are supposed to play out. Most will involve a stretch of strict radio silence, followed by contact at the 10 or 30-day mark.
If he is using the silent treatment as a way of weakening your resolve, remember that a game requires that you play along. If you don't, the game collapses, and his house of cards will fall.
P.S: I'm not against no contact as a way of healing and moving on. But let's be honest, most people use it as a way of starving an ex of attention instead.
5. Does his anger have a point?
What are you being asked to do?
Forget his bluster. As senseless as his anger may seem, what are the raw facts? Is he pushing to meet you? Is he trying to guilt or shame you? Or is he just yelling at the clouds seeking attention?
If there is no discernable point behind his hatred, his hatred, not his message, is the point. There's no point trying to make sense of an emotional tirade because he may as well be speaking in tongues.
Anger is an attempt to manipulate and coerce you into doing the dirty work because he feels powerless to exert influence in a normal and healthy way. It's an attempt to look strong when he is weak.
And guess what? It works.
Guilt and shame can bend our backs and weaken our resolve (temporarily).
Be on the lookout for an ex-boyfriend to level the emotional playing field, because his self-righteous sulk is a construct designed to make you feel as wretched as he does.
How Do You Respond to a Mad Ex
Don't take the bait. You are under no obligation to do so. Anger is a manipulative cry for attention that you can ignore if you want to.
However, if you aren't ready to throw in the towel yet, and want to see how deep this rabbit hole goes, make sure you practice effective communication. That is the foundation upon which reconciliation rests.
When dealing with an angry ex, the key is to never lose sight of what you want the outcome to be. Disregard the rest.
If you want to reconcile, playing mind games and emotional tug of war won't get you any closer to the goal. By projecting anxiety and insecurity you aren't commiserating with each other, you are tearing each other apart.
Some Tips to Consider When Dealing With an Angry Ex
Dealing with anger is a complex game. Unwinding the tension will mean understanding what its root causes are, or, if it is just a smokescreen, what its intention is.
No matter what kind of front you are dealing with, make sure you are:
Being clear about your intentions. By doing so you dramatically improve the chances he will respond in kind.
Not allowing emotions to distract from what needs to be said.
Cutting the chit-chat. It will only distract and lead to over-analysis (and resentment when false hope is revealed).
De-escalating contact to an impersonal medium. Start with Email and build from there. This will allow you to communicate effectively without getting caught up in your emotions.
Accepting silence as an answer.
Not allowing him to make you feel guilty for no real reason.
Not allowing his anger to force you into making concessions you are uncomfortable with. Doing this won't placate him, it will only teach him that this behavior works.
Not rewarding manipulative behavior. I am a believer that we teach people how to treat us (it doesn't always work, and if it doesn't, be unapologetic about raising strong boundaries).
Leading by example. Act in a way that encourages him to open up.
Perceiving rather than judging. Judgment tends to make people defensive, thus making it difficult to address the relationship's issues.